Grief, Regret, and the Gospel

     

     In a few hours it will have been a year since my sister went to be with the Lord, and My Dad has asked to write a guest post about some of what he has learned this past year and his journey with grief. It is my prayer that this would provide insight to those who have not yet experienced loss and encouragement to those who already have.

     Regret.  This is one of the major struggles with which persons experiencing grief over the death of a loved one must deal.  Because we are fallen people living in a fallen world, no relationship is perfect.  We all have failures.  We all have things we wish we had done differently, said differently, or could change in some way.  Death crystallizes this emotion because it is now too late to repair any aspect of the relationship.  The survivor experiences grief upon grief.  There is the grief of the loss and the grief and guilt of the memory of personal failings.

     Mercifully, for the most part, I was spared many of these feelings of regret in the case of my daughter Rachel.  It’s not that I was a perfect father or that our relationship didn't include the normal tensions and failings that everyone experiences.  It’s just that Rachel and I were close.  We were always close.  I was confident that she knew that I loved her and that when she died our relationship was not broken or damaged.

     But there was one regret. And it was huge.

     I did not help my daughter prepare to die.

     The situation was made worse in my mind because, in addition to being Rachel’s father, I was her pastor for her entire life.  Assisting people with end of life issues is a large part of the job description.  I’m supposed to be there to help in those times.  Rachel is not only my daughter but my sister in Christ.  When the chips were down the most, I failed her.

     I remember vividly when the issue began.  It was May.  Rachel had only been home from the hospital for about a month.  I was assisting her to transfer from her wheelchair to her bed so that she could retire for the night.

     “Daddy, am I going to die?” She asked quietly but urgently.

     God was gracious in that moment to place words in my heart and mouth.  I knelt by her bed close to her face. “I’m not going to lie to you honey.  This is bad.  I don’t know how this is going to come out.  We are going to pray and we are going to seek every treatment possible but I can’t promise you how this will end.  But I can promise you that you will never be alone.  I will be with you every step of the way.  Your mom will be with you every step of the way.  And God will be with us all and will never leave us at any point.”  Then we cried together. Doreen joined us and cried also and then she got into bed with Rachel and held her through the night and slept with her while I slept on the couch in the next room to be as close as possible.

     Looking back on that moment I am amazed at how well it went.  But something happened in me that night that wasn't good.  I became terrified that I would have to answer more questions just like that. I didn't think I could bear it.

     So from then on, every time that we got ready for bed, I immediately got out one of her books so that we could read.  I read until she was exhausted and went to sleep.  I tried to minimize any opportunity for her to bring up the subject again.  I couldn't face it.  The hurt was too great.

     I think she sensed my struggle because she never asked me about it again.  She reached out to some other ministers in her life.  I will always be grateful for the ministry of Pastor Scott Sundin and Pastor Jim Scott as well as our chaplain and grief counselor at Crossroads hospice for helping my daughter in that time.  I didn't resent in any way her looking to them for assistance.  I was thankful she could turn to them.

     But after she died, the feelings of guilt and regret weighed heavily upon my heart.  I ministered to others but I could not minister to my own daughter.

     How does a person deal with these emotions?

     I received some unexpected help one day from a friend in my church.  He too was going through a recent grief and had experienced a number of other deaths in his life.  We were meeting for lunch and sharing.  The environment felt safe so I shared this struggle that I had not voiced to any other living soul.

     “Am I allowed to respond to that?” he asked after hearing me out.

     “Yes, of course” I said and braced myself for the chastisement I knew I deserved.

     “I think you’re not giving yourself enough credit.  You stayed in the room.  That took courage.  If she had needed to talk to you she knew where to find you every night.  If you had run off somewhere else, that would be different.”

     Sometimes the answer can be as simple as seeing the situation in a different light.  No, I didn't do everything that I wish I had done for Rachel.  But I stayed in the room.  In God’s grace, I was able to keep my promise.  Doreen and I were with her every step of the way.  The entire family was with her when she passed.  We sang to her and prayed with her, held her hand and stroked her hair until she was gone.

     But what about situations where the answer isn't so simple?  Sometimes real hurt and wrong has been done.  What then?  Even in my circumstance, seeing the situation in a different light only provided a partial relief.  Where is the answer?

     The gospel offers good news for those struggling with regret.  Christ Jesus bore the sin and failures that we committed.  There is real forgiveness.  No, the relationship can’t be fixed, the past can’t be undone and we may have to grieve that fact.  But we do not have to live under the burden of the guilt.  Our shortcomings do not have to define us. Jesus took that burden upon Himself on the cross.  We minimize His sacrifice when we continue to hold on to our guilt and shame for broken relationships.  We must embrace the truth of the gospel for that which cannot be fixed. 

     If the deceased loved one is a believer in Jesus then the gospel offers a double comfort.  Not only am I forgiven for my failure and sin but my daughter is comforted in the presence of Jesus.  Rachel is right now in the company of the God in whose presence is the fullness of joy.  She is not wasting one milli-second thinking, “Boy, dad really dropped the ball the last 6 months of my life.  What a disappointment.”  No, she no longer has those kinds of memories and thoughts.

     The gospel is the good news that the Perfect One, God the Son, paid for my sin.  My sin, my guilt, my shame, and my regret do not define who I am. 

     God was faithful to provide for my daughter the counsel that I was unable to supply.  And God continues to be faithful to provide to me the cleansing and healing that I need to walk on.

     Life can be full of regrets.  The death of a loved one can cause these regrets to overwhelm us.  Against these regrets we hold up the cross.  Instead of wallowing in regret let us receive the forgiveness of God Who, in Christ, can make all things new.

Things I Learned About Pastors from Growing Up a PK

      It's pastor appreciation month! This is a time that is near and dear to my heart because church ministry is the vocation of many members of my family. My grandpa was a pastor. My Dad is a pastor. My father-in-law is a pastor. Two of my uncles do youth or music ministry. My husband served briefly as a youth minister. And my brother is studying to go into the ministry.

     Having this many pastors in my family has given me a unique perspective and a great deal of respect for the people behind the titles. Unfortunately, too many people view their pastor and other people in ministry as saints who have achieved an unattainable level of perfection and holiness. This places unrealistic expectations and added stress on those in ministry. Parents assume youth pastors have all the answers and can fix their teens; church members often isolate their pastor because they don't allow him to be real. So here are a few things I have learned about pastors from watching my family members (specifically my Dad) serve in church positions.

     First, a pastor's first ministry is to their family... not the church. God established the family before He created the church. Also, one of the biblical qualifications of a minister is that they must be able to manage their household. This includes striving to raise godly children. If I have learned anything from being a parent it is that godly children do not magically appear. Raising godly children requires a great deal of effort, attention, and prayer. I am blessed in that throughout my life, my father made it a priority to minister to our family first. To this day, Saturday nights are almost always reserved for family time.

     Which leads me to a similar point, pastors rarely get days off work, especially if they are bi-vocational. Pastors don't have a strict regular schedule. They have late night phone calls from church members, emergency hospital visits, church committee meetings, counseling sessions, etc. Many of these things become essentially "overtime" work. For bi-vocational ministers like my Dad, they work a 40 hour work week like everyone else at their secular job, then fit in studying and sermon prep during their lunch breaks, early mornings, or Saturdays. The two days off from their secular job are spent preparing for Sunday and teaching Sundays.

    Because of all this work, your pastor will at times get "burnt out," but because they are the leader, they can't check out of ministry. Believe it or not, your pastor is... human. I know, it's hard to imagine. Your pastor gets tired, at times feels overworked, and experiences the whole range of human emotions. Pastors get discouraged when they feel like God isn't working or when they don't see results from their work. Pastors don't always know God's direction. Just like everyone else, they experience times of struggle and times where they want to quit.

     Another thing I have learned is that pastors know about the vast majority of any and all drama that happens in the church, and it can be a burden. Regardless of how amazing a church is, people will disagree. There will be personality conflicts. Couples will have disagreements, and children will be rebellious. Many of these problems will be taken to the pastor for prayer and advice. With this knowledge comes inevitable worry which is at times overwhelming.

     So next time you are at church, I would encourage you to really take a look around at the people who serve. Whether it is the pastor, youth pastor, music minister, Sunday school teachers, etc., really look and see what they are doing for the church. Pray for them. Encourage them. And join them in service to lighten the load.

Finding Joy in the Waiting

     In any stage of life, I think waiting is one of the most difficult things God asks us to do. Patience is not a natural state for any person, but it is a character trait that God often requires us to exhibit. We wait to graduate high school. We wait to get married. We wait to be at an age where we can start a career or a family. We spend a great deal of time waiting.

     It is in these times that I have found it the most difficult to be content. Currently, I am waiting to have a baby. While I only have to wait a few more days, I have noticed that my attitude has become increasingly short-tempered. I have allowed my physical discomfort and heightened hormones to rule my attitude and at times steal my joy. Rather than focusing on the blessings in my life, I have allowed my mind to focus on only on the wait. Yes, this wait is almost over, but if I don't confront this attitude now then it will only continue after this wait time is over. At that point, will I only focus on waiting until Jude is sleeping through the night? Then will I focus on waiting until I can stop breastfeeding or until Autumn finally cooperates with potty training?

     If I don't check my mindset, then life becomes perpetual waiting for something "better" without noticing the joys of today. Patience and rejoicing are not my strengths, and it seems that God has to frequently remind me of these lessons.

    At this point I have to challenge myself to focus my mindset on finding joy and thankfulness in the everyday and the mundane instead of just waiting for next phase in life. What will you rejoice in today?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such thing there is no law.

Galatians 5:22-23

Payback

     Brace yourself. You are in for a full-blown Mommy rant.

     People are constantly telling me how much my daughter is like me. And it's absolutely true. She looks like me, has a strong-will like me, is very verbal, and loves music. Since my daughter has turned two, I cannot count how many well meaning people have told me that my daughter is "paying me back" for how I was as a child. I can't seem to get her to be quiet when we pray at church, so people tell me "Well, that's just payback." She throws a fit; "Welcome to payback." She tells me "no;" "That's payback for you!" It's a common phrase that gets thrown at parents. I understand that these well meaning people are really trying to say, "Wow, you must have your hands full." But for a moment, can we just think about what is really being communicated. What is really being implied is that my daughter is my punishment for my toddler/childhood/teenage bad behavior.

     This is not how I view my child.

     Yes, at times she is difficult. Yes, at times she screams and cries. Yes, at times she and I go to battle. But she is two. Welcome to toddlers. God did not give me this child to punish me or to make me realize that I made my parents' lives difficult. If my son doesn't sleep for months after he is born, it wont be because God is paying me back for having colic as a newborn. God gave me these children as a blessing. 

     Psalm 127:3 states, "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." This doesn't exactly sound like "payback" or punishment to me.

     Yes, I realize that I have probably taken this too personally, but it is my fear that my childhood anger will be imposed on my daughter. I fear that because she is like me that people will assume that she is going to fall into the same sins I did. So being told that she is "payback" reinforces those fears.

     So here is my request: when speaking to parents about their children, can we just ask ourselves a few questions. 

•       Is this encouraging?
•       Is this beneficial?
•       If not, does it even need to be said?

     *Sigh* End rant.

Withered

     If you could have peered into my heart over the past month, I'm sure you would have seen a shriveled, ugly mess. I had pulled away from the Lord, neglected my quiet time, and then became angry because the Lord was silent. Two months ago, the announcement of a restructure at my husband's job all but pushed me over the edge. My thoughts were "Really, God! Aren't we dealing with enough!" And I became angry. I was angry that life continued to be troubled and uncertain. I was angry that I didn't feel peace (granted, I wasn't exactly seeking the Lord's peace). I was angry that the Lord hadn't placed me in a little protective bubble until I had fully recovered from the loss of my sister.

     Then Jacob was presented with the possibility of another job that would offer our family more security. I was immediately convicted about my heart's condition, and knew that I was undeserving of this blessing. But I was not ready to give up my anger. I held up this job as a spiteful test, almost taunting God to prove His goodness, all the while feeling like God should withhold it to punish my heart.

     About two and a half weeks ago, while everything was up in the air, I glued a smile on my face, and drug myself to Bible study, where, of course, conviction slapped me between the eyes. During the lesson, the Bible study leader reminded the group that "very often God does not take time to speak to us unless we turn aside to hear Him." And silently sitting there, I let my anger go, and I recommitted to seeking the Lord. I began to find new joy in the Word that I had neglected. I began to look for small, daily ministries that I could do. I returned to doing the things that I knew I should do. And the Lord was faithful to His Word in Psalm 40:1-2:

I waited patiently for the Lord;

He inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction,

Out of the miry bog

And set my feet upon a rock

Making my steps secure.

The Lord has graciously delivered me from the anger I had been experiencing. His undeserved grace continues to extend to me regardless of my emotional state. He pulled me out off the depression I had helplessly sunk into like quick sand. And the job no longer mattered as much because I finally recognized that God is good regardless of the result.

The Isolation of Grief

     It has been nearly a month since my sister passed away. Shock has worn off, and grief has really begun to take its toll. Although the Lord has given me a tremendous joy by allowing me to discover my pregnancy shortly after Rachel passed away, the extra hormones, fatigue, and nausea have not exactly made grieving easier.

     As I have been trying to process everything that has happened over the past year, the lie that I am all alone in this has been creeping into my mind. Of course, the best lies are those that contain an element of truth. The truth is that no one outside my immediate family understands what the experience was like because no one else experienced it first hand. No one other than my family carries the memories of the last year. No one else understands what it was like to rejoice when Rachel made small improvements, all the while being horrified by the knowledge that we would soon be watching this process in reverse. No one else understands what it was like during the last two weeks of her life when my brother, sister-in-law, and I essentially moved into my parents' house because the burden of being away from her was too great. No one else watched when her pain pump malfunctioned and her eyes became wild with pain, and we were helpless. No one else spent the last week watching her for hours just breath and counting the seconds between her breaths because she developed Apnea. At times, I have nightmares about these memories that haunt me.

     In some very real ways, no one else really understands, and we are alone.

     But just because others don't fully understand doesn't mean they are disqualified from empathizing and sharing in my burden. At times, I have allowed myself to believe the lie that I am completely alone in this struggle. But then God has graciously sent along someone with these words: "I know that I don't understand what you are going through, but I am so sorry you are experiencing this." Sounds simple, but the effect is profound because the words were genuine and heartfelt. At other times, God has sent me friends who just quietly listened to my anguish. In these instances, the Lord gently reminds my heart that I am not alone.

     But even greater than that, I have a God who knows my heart intimately, who has been there with me in every moment. He knows my every emotion and thought from the past year. I have been so comforted by Hebrews 4:15-16 which states, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace in time of need." It is because I have a God who intimately sympathizes and understands that I can confidently know He will extend me grace and mercy during times of need. When I come to Him in prayer, He never responds with "I have no idea what you are going through." Rather, Christ is called "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief" (Is. 53:). I take great comfort in having a God who understands.

Lessons from 2013

     2013 obviously will not go down in the books as the easiest year of my life. But as difficult as this year has been, I have learned so much about the Lord. Many of these lessons were things that I have known on an academic level since I was a child. However, this year I began to understand these things on a deeper and more practical level.

     1. At times life is too overwhelming to live a day at a time. Sometimes it is too hard to see the end of a day, and the only way to remain sane is to repeatedly carry my sorrows, anxiety, and anger to the Lord on an hourly or momentary basis. During Rachel's final days when we were all essentially on death watch, I never knew what each day would bring. Would she decline today? How much? Will her pain be controlled today? Will she die today? These unanswerable questions tormented my mind until I learned to frequently escape into the Lord's arms. I would pour out my heart and vocalize my frustration with the fact that I could not understand what the Lord was doing. When I was frustrated because the Lord allowed her to remain and struggle after she was unable to move and communicate, I had to repeatedly cast down my cares as I felt my anxiety rise. I learned that I have to trust the Lord in this moment, then trust Him again when the next moment arrives.

     2. God is sovereign and His timing is perfect. Clearly, I do not understand everything the Lord is doing with His timing, but He has been gracious to show me momentary glimpses into His timing. Rachel was diagnosed with her cancer just weeks after I finished my student teaching. So I was able to be available to assist my family. The Lord also provided me with an online tutoring job that allowed me to remain accessible to my family. the timing of these events provided me with flexibility so that I could spend a significant amount of time with my sister. Thus, I grew closer to her. I saw the beauty of her heart during this struggle and came to truly admire her.

     3. Joy and happiness are not the same thing. Happiness is a purely emotional state of being, and in the past month, I have not experienced a lot of genuine happiness. Sure, I have had moments with my husband, daughter, other family members, or friends that have brought me happiness, but those have primarily been brief distractions. However, joy has been much more abundant. Joy is a choice, a worldview, an attitude about life. I am joyful that my sister Rachel has been perfectly healed and is now in Heaven. But, I am not happy about it because I miss her here on earth. In combating despair, I have to choose to focus on an eternal perspective and on the things I can be joyful about.

     4. Truth is crucial. My heart lies to me on a daily basis. My heart tells me that I'm alone, that God has forgotten me, that no one cares, and so many other lies. This year, I have learned to cling to the truth because it will set me free (John 8:32). I have learned to tell my feeling they are wrong and dwell on the character and promises of God rather than letting my mind run wild. I have begun to learn to take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5)

     5. Compassion is truly beautiful. As previously stated, I learned so much about compassion from my sister. In her final weeks, she was comforting others as they grieved. And it was beautiful to watch. It was a beautiful display of the strength and grace of God. In those moments, I didn't see a sick and dying 22 year old; I was Christ shining through her. I saw the beauty of her heart.

     I haven't set any resolutions for 2014 nor am I super excited about new beginnings because grief doesn't end with the beginning of a new year. This next year will be hard because each holiday and event will be my family's first without Rachel. I do not know what joys and hardships this year will bring, but I do know that God will still be good. He was good last year when I miscarried a pregnancy. He was good when He perfectly healed Rachel in Heaven. He is good. And He will still be good this year, regardless of what comes.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;

my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 13:5-6

See You Soon, Rachel

     On December 31st at about 1 AM Rachel went home to be with the Lord. She is now in the presence of her Lord and Savior where she will no longer struggle or experience pain. And I look forward to the day when I will get to join her.

     Over the past several days, I have been thinking a great deal about my sister's life and about who she was as a person. Compassion dominated my sister's life. Every time Rachel would ask for prayer for a friend or acquaintance, she would cry or tear up because she had a heart that genuinely hurt for other people. She could feel the pain of others and she carried it in her heart as if it were her own pain. My sister's soft heart taught me so much about the love and compassion of our Father God. Her life and behavior often challenged me to view people and their pain the way that God views them. Rather than being self-centered, Rachel exhibited a pattern of putting others before herself. Even during her battle with cancer this past year, she took time to pray for her friends because their struggles were important to her. In her final weeks, she frequently told me that she was worried. She was not worried about pain, death, suffering, or the loss of her physical abilities. She was worried about her friends and family and the pain we would experience

     Because of her compassion, Rachel was a person of forgiveness. Since she cared so deeply about the hurt and feelings of others, Rachel was often able to forgive when anger and resentment would have been an expected reaction. She forgave those who mocked her, forgot her, ignored her, or used her. Regardless of how people treated her, she still cared about their well-being and expressed concern for them. I seriously cannot remember a time in which Rachel spoke about having a hard time forgiving someone. I remember once several years ago when Rachel was telling me about feeling left out with a specific group of people. My advise to her was to write off those people and find new friends. Of course, she ignored me, and began to tell me about all the problems these friends were dealing with. She told me she needed to be there to help them even if they only wanted her around when they had a problem. Her friendship was selfless.

     Rachel was not the deepest thinker nor could she impress you with her knowledge of theological terms, but she had a heart like Christ. She loved people quickly and demonstrated that love in her words and actions.

     I will deeply miss my sister. I will miss her encouragement and positive outlook. I will miss her smile and her devotion to others. I will miss watching her play with my daughter and niece. But I look forward to the day when I will get to join her in the presence of Christ. We had a common bond in our desire to serve our Lord. When the Lord allows me to finish my race, then I will be reunited with her in Heaven.

     See you soon, Rachel.

The Decline

     Last week, my family called in hospice due to my sister's declining health. On Monday we were told that Rachel probably had about 3-4 weeks left. On Wednesday, it was reduced to about 2 weeks, and Friday it was again reduced to about a week. As morbid as it sounds, we are essentially waiting for her to die. Yet, despite the grim news we received, my family has been surrounded by peace. Although we have all been sucker punched with grief at times, the Lord has been faithful. I am thankful for the sacrifice of Jesus Christ to which my sister clings. I have full confidence that Rachel will be going to be with the Lord where she will be healed completely. I have to remember that Paul says that "to die is gain" (Philippians 1:21) because when she passes away, she will open her eyes to a place of perfection where she will never suffer again. She is going to glory to be with the God she has faithfully served. While I grieve because of the loss I will soon experience, I know it is temporary. One day, I will get to go Home and join her in perfectly praising our Creator. But for now, I must continue to run my race. I must be faithful with the time the Lord has given me on this earth. God is still good, and He will forever be my Sustainer and Comforter.

For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

"Death is swallowed up in victory."

"O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?"

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

1 Corinthians 15:53-58

The Afters - Broken Hallelujah

Thankful Thoughts

     It is almost impossible to go through Thanksgiving without reflecting. Thanksgiving almost forces me to think back over the year that is almost finished and the blessings in my life. The word that keeps echoing in my mind is time. This year, I have learned to appreciate time, and I have been blessed with the gift of time. I have been given time with Rachel in which I have grown closer to her. In this year, I have been privileged to see my sister's heart. I have seen her in triumph when she had moments of independence. I have seen her struggle when she was frustrated with her progress. I have seen her discouraged and depressed. I have seen her compassion for others in spite of her own trials. I have developed a deeper love and respect for the woman she has become. In this year, our sisterly love developed into genuine friendship. She inspires me to live life with an attitude of gratitude. I am beyond grateful for the precious moments I have with her. Rather than dwell on the unknown and questions about the future, I choose to thank the Lord for time.

     This reflection on time has spilled over into other areas of my life as well. I have learned to be thankful for my own life. I was not promised a specific amount of time on this earth; so, I have truly been trying to live more purposefully. I am thankful for the time I have with my daughter. The Lord has provided me with a job that allows me to stay home and see my daughter grow daily. I am thankful for the time I have in ministry. I am thankful for the relationships that have formed and the renewed purpose I have seen in my life because of time in ministry.

     Time is a precious gift that we often disregard and take for granted. We view it as a guarantee rather than a gift. I pray that we may come to realize its value and treasure it, rather than squander it.

Checking In

     For about the past month and a half, I feel like I have been sleep walking through my life. I wake up long enough to sponsor a youth event, attend church on Sundays and Wednesdays, or be okay around my extended family. In the name of "Faking-it-till-I-made-it," I have been playing happy and doing the "right" things to keep up appearances. But the reality of my heart has been that I did not want to be okay. So while I had completed all the rituals to maintain my outward appearance, at home I had checked out. I didn't want to work on loving my husband; instead, I nitpicked at everything he did. I didn't want to parent because it is hard and emotionally draining. I didn't want to consistently do devotions because I didn't want to be convicted about the condition of my heart. I didn't want to write because that would require me to think deeply about the Biblical things I had been reading.

     I just didn't want to be okay.

     If I was truly okay, then was I forgetting about the child that I had lost? If I was truly okay, then was I willing to surrender to whatever the Lord called me to do next? If I was truly okay, then was I ready to put aside the fear of losing another child and try again?

     I still fully believe everything that I wrote in my previous post and the Lord has greatly comforted my heart in ways that I can't explain, but a large part of me has not been ready to continue on with life. I knew what I should be doing to recover from my heartbreak, but I was not ready to be obedient.

     So this is me checking back in. I'm choosing to remember that my actions have an impact on others. I'm choosing to be obedient to the call to the call of Colossians 3:17 "And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." I am tired of living halfheartedly. I'm ready to wake back up.

One Day I Will Meet You, Precious Child of Mine

     For three days, I knew I was pregnant. With a positive pregnancy test to prove it, I rejoiced for the new life that was growing within me. For three days, I basked in the nausea that was a constant reminder of the blessing I would receive. Jacob and I prayed for our child, dreamed about our child, imagined what our child would look like, and grew ever more excited. On Thursday, I found out I was pregnant. On Sunday, I knew I no longer was.

     Naturally, we grieved and are continuing to grieve. But the Lord truly prepared my heart for this. I have never grieved like this before because in the midst of my pain and sorrow, as strange as this may sound, I am grateful. Every parent wants to protect their children, and every parent who sees their child in pain desires to carry the pain for their child.

     In a way, the Lord has allowed me to do this. I hurt and grieve and sorrow, but our child never will. For that, I rejoice.The Lord has protected my child in a way that I never could. My child will never be bullied, feel insecure or devalued, experience sorrow or heartache, feel rejected, be persecuted, or feel alone. My child will never experience my love in its current imperfect form. I will never snap at this child or accidentally hurt his or her feelings. When I meet this child, my love will have been perfected. I will never have to worry about this child's salvation because our child already knows the Lord more fully that Jacob or I do. Our child dwells in a place of eternal joy and glory. A place untainted by sin and filled with the presence of the good, creator God. So in my grief, I rejoice.

I will bless the Lord at all times;

His praise shall continually be in my mouth

Psalm 34:1

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted

and saves the crushed in spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous,

but the Lord delivers him out of them all

Psalm 34:18-19

Starfield - "Hiding Place"

The God Who Uses Pain

     I have read through the book of Acts multiple times in my life, and my church just finished doing a verse-by-verse study of Acts on Sunday mornings. But apparently, I do not pay enough attention. About two weeks ago, I was reading though Acts again in my quiet time, and I was struck by a verse from the story of Paul's conversion. I have read this verse I don't know how many times, but this time it finally struck home. This time, I actually started to think through the implications of this verse.

     In Acts 9, after Paul's encounter with Jesus on the road to Damascus, Christ appeared to Ananias and instructed him to go and restore Paul's sight to him. Christ explains to Ananias, "For for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name" (Acts 9:15-16).

     I accepted Christ when I was about seven years old. I went to my Dad and told him that I was ready to follow Christ. We had a discussion about sin and grace because he wanted to make sure that I understood what I was doing. I wonder what my response would have been if my Dad had looked at me and said, "Becky, I want you to know that God is going to ask you to suffer to bring glory to His name."

     This is essentially the experience that Paul had. Paul knew that when he placed his faith in Christ that the result was going to be suffering. Paul still had the choice to reject the truth that he had seen in the resurrected Christ, but he chose to acknowledge the truth even though it meant he would endure suffering. Yes, Paul still experienced joy and awesome blessings from God, but the man was familiar with suffering. Yet, we never really see Paul moping about his call to suffer. Paul probably had a better understanding of the universal call to suffering for all believers as promised by Christ in John 15:18-21, John 16:33, and ultimately demonstrated by Christ in His death. But Paul chose to accept the Truth regardless of what he would suffer or what it would cost him. And Paul did suffer. He gives an account of his sufferings when he says,

"Five times I received at the hands of the Jews forty lashes less one. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. And, apart from other things, there is the daily pressure on me of my anxiety for all the churches" (2 Corinthians 24-28).

As a result of these hardships Paul experienced, we now have some of the most powerful versed on suffering and endurance including:

Romans 5:3-5 "Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we  know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort."

2 Corinthians 4:7-10 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

2 Corinthians 12:10 "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Philippians 3:8-11 "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith - that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead."

     This same man also wrote Philippians 4:4 "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice." Paul who was no stranger to pain, heartache, and rejection; Paul who would ultimately die for the name of Christ, tells us to rejoice! How amazing! How convicting! That is a faith worth imitating.

Don't Give Up

     As I previously mentioned, I just got back from a women's retreat with my church. This week I have been going through my notes from the sessions and through my own journal entries so that I really process everything thing that I learned. In this process, I noticed that I have been struggling with the fear that God's plan is not worth the pain that I feel. I am afraid that all I will see out of my sister's cancer is the development of my own character. While I appreciate the lessons I have learned, I would not trade my sister for character. But that's why God didn't ask me. I am scared that in years to come, I will view this pain as pointless. I still don't understand some of the struggles that Jacob and I went through a few years ago. I don't see a benefit or deep change. All I remember is pain.

     But that is how I feel. What I know is that God is good and so is His plan. His priorities and ways are higher than mine (Isaiah 55:8-9). He uses the weak things of this world to shame the strong, and the foolish things to shame the wise. And He does this so that, in the end, I will boast in the Lord (1 Corinthians 1:26-31). Even if I do not see the affect of this in anyone other than me, then I will still praise Him. If my change is all I see, then I want to change tremendously. I don't want a tiny change; I want a transformation. This will only happen through complete surrender and devotion to God. I wont change as long as I am trying to hold onto control or tell God how to solve my problems. I need surrender. I need reliance on God. I need to pursue His character, and dig deep into His Word. At the end of this struggle, I want people to see Jesus when they look at me.

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 

Philippians 3:14

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Don't give up.

The God Who Was There

     Several months ago, it was announced that the women's ministry at my church was planning a two day retreat. Immediately, I decided that I wasn't going to go. At that time, I was exhausted, stressed, and worried. I did not want to add to that by going on a retreat where I knew that I would have to get out of my shell, meet new people from the church, and be transparent. I did not want to leave my daughter (even for that short period of time), so I just decided then and there to make up an excuse for why I couldn't go. I would make myself busy that weekend.

     But then, a few weeks later, more details about the retreat were announced. And that is when I heard that the theme of the retreat would be "Come & Enter His Rest." I instantly began to tear up. I was worn and weary. I had been praying for rest and here it was. After church, I told Jacob that I thought I needed to attend, and he agreed. From that moment on, the retreat could not come fast enough.

     It became the beacon of light that I stared at as I went through the month. I counted down the days because I knew that this would be a time of intimacy with my Lord. I knew that this would be a chance to refocus. I already respected the woman from my church who would be speaking, so I knew that I would be challenged and strengthened. I knew that it was going to be an experience that made me grow. I knew exactly what would happen.

     But I had forgotten that I was headed to meet with my God "who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us" (Ephesians 3:20). I forgot that God is bigger than me.

     For the past month, my sister's blood platelets have been too low for her to receive chemo treatments. Then hours before leaving for the retreat, Rachel received information that this week not only are her platelets low, but her white blood cell count is below normal as well. So I walked into the retreat with a nagging fear. Is this the beginning of the end? Will it be downhill from here? I cam full of fear and anxiety, but I came seeking God. And the Lord did not leave me desperately seeking. The second half of Psalm 9:10 states, "for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You," and I was not forsaken.

     Right now, I cannot explain everything that I learned because I am still processing some of the information. I am still working out all the application and ways these lessons need to change my heart. At the retreat, no one walked on water. A pillar of cloud did not appear to guide us through our activities. But the Lord reminded me of so many aspects of His character that I have known, but I have forgotten to trust in. Verses that I have leaned on for years were brought back to my memory. I went in full of anxiety and fear, but the Lord has encouraged my soul. At times I wept uncontrollably, but through it I was renewed.

     In the final moments of the retreat during a prayer time, a woman from my church asked if she could pray for me. She prayed that God would give me strength to minister to my family and to my sister. I began to bawl. I felt like my strength was depleted, so God sent me a reminder that He is my source of strength. As I listened to her pray, it was as though she had read my journal and seen all the areas where I had grown faint.

     During her prayer, my Mother came over and began to pray for me as soon as the previous prayer ended. My Mother prayed that I would release the burden of how I responded to my sister's illness as a child (This began a whole new fountain of tears). For years, I have been ashamed of how I reacted when I was younger. I hated that I reacted in anger, bitterness, and depression. I hated that when I met people, I always wondered how much they had heard about me. Were they meeting me? Or did they think they were meeting the mouthy, rebellious child? For years, I have carried guilt. Oh the guilt! I felt guilty for how poorly I treated my sister when I was younger. I felt guilty for purposefully fighting with my family. I felt guilty for causing tension. I just felt guilty.

     But my Mother asked God to help me lay down that burden. And in that moment, through sobs, a ten year old burden was lifted off my shoulders. I felt relief.

     This weekend I felt so much love and support. I don't know what God is going to do next. Whatever it is, I know that it probably wont be easy. But I was reminded that the Lord will not leave me disappointed.

My Mature Thoughts (Since I am Now 25)

     This week I turned 25. So I guess this is about the time where I should freak out about my age because I am half way to 50. But, honestly, I love that my age is starting to catch up with my lifestyle. I am a serious homebody. I was married a couple months before I turned 20, so I have never done the party/bar/club scene. I started helping in youth ministry before I was 21... so people have been treating me like an "old married person" for years. I am just happy that I am finally getting to the age where I should stop having to answer the question "Why do you act so old?" (Now, if only teenagers would stop asking me which high school I go to).

     But on a more serious note, I have been very conscious of how blessed I am. I have an amazing and loving family. My siblings all typically get along and my parents are godly examples. Soon my brother and his wife will be welcoming a daughter into our family. Basically, my family is just awesome.

     The blessing that I have been the most conscious of lately is that of the church. I am so thankful that God gave us the church. The congregation that Jacob and I attend has been a huge blessing to use. The people there have really ministered to our family during my sister's illness. They have prayed for and with us. They have supported us when were were struggling with the questions of "why?" We have opportunities to minister and serve others. I have known some of the people at my church since I was a child. And there are newer people who have become near and dear to my heart. I have been blessed by the solid doctrinal teaching that I have received in sermons, Sunday school, and youth group. I have been pushed to grow because the people around me are not content being stagnant in their faith. I love my local church!

     But the church is so much bigger than the number of people who worship in the same building as me. I know countless people across the country who have prayed for my sister and my family. I am encouraged on a daily basis by Facebook friends who are ministering to people through the gifts that God has given them. I am heart broken and emboldened by believers in other countries who face persecution and sacrifice because they will not compromise the message of the Gospel.

     I am so thankful that the Lord did not call us to live out the Gospel by ourselves. I am thankful that God does not ask us to fly solo. I am thankful that I am a part of a worldwide mission to bring the Truth to people. I am thankful that I have people who are more mature in their faith who show me godliness, and I am pushed to grow because there are younger people that I do not want to give a poor example.

     Life was not meant to be lived in isolation. It is a group effort. We encourage each other, love each other, pray for each other, correct, minister, teach, and comfort each other.

     Let us be active. Let us open our eyes to the needs around us and do something! Let us remember that life isn't really about us.

Then the righteous will answer him, saying, "Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?" And the King will answer them, "Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me."

-Matthew 25:37-40

A Prayer for a Friend

     Lately, my heart has been heavy. Over the past several months, it has come to my knowledge that several young people that I care deeply about and poured my life into are no longer walking with the Lord. When I have spoken to them about their life choices, one word has continued to show up: feeling. I have heard

If I feel happy, then I think it is ok.

I just feel like the Bible doesn't apply here.

I think God just wants me to feel happy.

I feel like I don't know what is right and what is wrong. Who can say?

     It breaks my heart because they are not basing their actions and beliefs on logic or reason. They have abandoned their quest for the Truth and have settled for whatever feels good. In a search for love and value, they have forsaken The One who can truly offer those things.

     The Bible clearly states that "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9). If my heart is corrupt and deceitful, then my feelings are going to lie to me. It is only in the truth, which is constant, that we should base our decisions on.

     So I have appealed to these young people. I have reaffirmed that I love them. But I cannot make choices for them. So now I pray. I pray for protection. I pray for deliverance. I pray for them to be brought back to Christ.

Casting Crowns - A Prayer for a Friend 

Back to the Grind

     I have just returned home from a wonderful trip to Wisconsin with the majority of my family. Unfortunately, my husband and my younger brother could not make the trip with us due to their work schedules, but the rest of my family was able to view some beautiful scenery, see several tourist attractions, and eat wonderful food. Yet, even through the trip, my resolve to be thankful and grateful for God's blessings was put to the test.

     See, right now, life seems to be shrouded by a dark cloud of eminent doom. A haunting question that hangs over my family. Is this the last time? Is this the last trip I will go on with my sister? If it is, did I spend enough time with her? Why didn't I take more pictures with her? Did I show her that I love her?

     All these thoughts swirl through my head and coat my memories with a bitter-sweet feeling. Because of all this, I think I have been learning that joy is a choice. I have known this for a long time, and from and early age I was taught that "happiness is an emotion, but joy is a state of mind." However, as of late, I have really been required to put that knowledge into practice. Having joy really comes from putting life into perspective. It comes from, once again, refocusing on what is true.

1. This life is not the end. I know I have talked about this before, but it is truly one of my deepest comforts. At some point, I will lose my sister in this life. It may be a year or 30 years, but at some point we will die. But this life is not all there is. For those who have placed their faith in Jesus Christ, death is the beginning of eternal life - an eternal life spent with our Lord and Savior. Paul writes,

            So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we              are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord" (2 Cor. 5:6-8). 

For the believer, death is a homecoming. It is the end of pain and suffering and the beginning of true joy and peace.

2. The pain, sorrow, and fear I feel now are temporary. Life is short. It is a momentary breath compared to eternity. At times, life seems cruel and overwhelming. It feels like it is too painful, too hard, too difficult. Life seems to kick us while we are down. At times, it feels like everything in life is attempting to break our spirit. But those moments are short. Those moments are, just that, momentary. Paul again reminds us,

     So we do not loose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being                renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal                weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to things that are seen but to the things      that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal (2 Cor. 4:16-18).

Times of suffering are moments of brevity. They are not even worth comparing to the joy of eternal life with my Redeemer.

     It is to these truths that I, once again, cling. I think this is another thing that the Lord has really been teaching me - I have a deep need for The Truth. For as long as I can remember, I have know that Jesus said "you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:32). But I have always thought of this verse in reference to being tangled in your own web of lies. However, I am now learning that in every situation, the truth is liberating. I am learning to daily fix my eyes on the truth and cling to it in times of struggle and in times of blessing. It is only in the truth that joy can be found.

The Lord My Provider

     Over the past week or so, the Lord has been consistently reminding me that He is the Provider of all my needs. First, I was hired about two weeks ago as an online tutor. I had applied for the job over six months ago, and I had honestly forgotten about it until I received an email saying I had been removed from the waiting list. Since I haven't been working at all summer, this is obviously a major blessing. It feels as though a huge burden has been lifted. I can now work from home, take care of my daughter, and contribute to our family's finances.

     Second, I am going to be able to go on a short vacation with my family. I am specifically excited about this because I will be spending a few days making memories with my sister. This will also be Autumn's first vacation. I am a little concerned about how she is going to act on the trip since she is going to have to sit still for several hours in the car. But I am sure that with a little patience, everything will be fine.

     So I am working on contemplating God's goodness and trying to focus on being truly thankful. This week I am committing to thanking God for His blessings with my whole heart. I want to notice and acknowledge all of His blessings not just the big ones.

I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart;

I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.

I will be glad and exult in You;

I will sing praise to Your Name, O Most High

Psalm 9:1-2

Who I am Hates Who I've Been

     Lately, I have been struggling with some of my old demons. Old patterns, habits, and thoughts that I thought were conquered have been creeping into my head. I hear these whispered lies in my head that crush my heart and push me toward a spiral of untruths. I hear whispers of

"You're worthless."

"You're insignificant."

"You will always be viewed as the bad kid."

"You wont make a difference."

"You don't matter."

     I thought I had overcome these lies and that I wouldn't struggle with these feelings any longer, but I haven't. I still carry around my past and my sin nature. As I have grown older, I have learned that often times my feelings do not correspond with reality. I know the truth, but these feelings slowly creep up on me. If I do not dispel these lies immediately then they grow and rise to a shriek. They remind me of who I was and scream at me that I am insignificant.

     During my teenage years, I bought into these lies and I allowed myself to be held in emotional bondage. But, in that dark time the Lord taught me one of the most beautiful and precious lessons of my life: I am valuable because the Lord has declared me to be valuable. The value of something can be determined by how much someone is willing to pay for it. 1 Peter 1:18-19 proclaims "knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot." I am valuable because the God of the universe purchased me with His blood. What an awesome thought! Christ paid for my life to free me from sin and that makes me inherently valuable.

     Galatians 5:1 reminds me that "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." So I have been freed from these deceptive and errant thoughts. When I allow these thoughts to occupy my mind then I am essentially binding myself up. Ii may feel like a captive to my past, but in reality, I am free. The only one holding me in bondage is my own thoughts.

     So lately I have been trying to focus on who I am in Christ. When Christ looks at me, He sses a child that He has redeemed. I must remember God's promise when He said, "For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more" (Heb. 8:12). While people may remember my childhood attitude and my rebellious spirit, God has chosen to forget my sin. In the grand scheme of things, how God views me is all that matters. That is what I must remember and the truth to which I must cling.