Don't Give Up

     As I previously mentioned, I just got back from a women's retreat with my church. This week I have been going through my notes from the sessions and through my own journal entries so that I really process everything thing that I learned. In this process, I noticed that I have been struggling with the fear that God's plan is not worth the pain that I feel. I am afraid that all I will see out of my sister's cancer is the development of my own character. While I appreciate the lessons I have learned, I would not trade my sister for character. But that's why God didn't ask me. I am scared that in years to come, I will view this pain as pointless. I still don't understand some of the struggles that Jacob and I went through a few years ago. I don't see a benefit or deep change. All I remember is pain.

     But that is how I feel. What I know is that God is good and so is His plan. His priorities and ways are higher than mine (Isaiah 55:8-9). He uses the weak things of this world to shame the strong, and the foolish things to shame the wise. And He does this so that, in the end, I will boast in the Lord (1 Corinthians 1:26-31). Even if I do not see the affect of this in anyone other than me, then I will still praise Him. If my change is all I see, then I want to change tremendously. I don't want a tiny change; I want a transformation. This will only happen through complete surrender and devotion to God. I wont change as long as I am trying to hold onto control or tell God how to solve my problems. I need surrender. I need reliance on God. I need to pursue His character, and dig deep into His Word. At the end of this struggle, I want people to see Jesus when they look at me.

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 

Philippians 3:14

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Don't give up.

The God Who Was There

     Several months ago, it was announced that the women's ministry at my church was planning a two day retreat. Immediately, I decided that I wasn't going to go. At that time, I was exhausted, stressed, and worried. I did not want to add to that by going on a retreat where I knew that I would have to get out of my shell, meet new people from the church, and be transparent. I did not want to leave my daughter (even for that short period of time), so I just decided then and there to make up an excuse for why I couldn't go. I would make myself busy that weekend.

     But then, a few weeks later, more details about the retreat were announced. And that is when I heard that the theme of the retreat would be "Come & Enter His Rest." I instantly began to tear up. I was worn and weary. I had been praying for rest and here it was. After church, I told Jacob that I thought I needed to attend, and he agreed. From that moment on, the retreat could not come fast enough.

     It became the beacon of light that I stared at as I went through the month. I counted down the days because I knew that this would be a time of intimacy with my Lord. I knew that this would be a chance to refocus. I already respected the woman from my church who would be speaking, so I knew that I would be challenged and strengthened. I knew that it was going to be an experience that made me grow. I knew exactly what would happen.

     But I had forgotten that I was headed to meet with my God "who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us" (Ephesians 3:20). I forgot that God is bigger than me.

     For the past month, my sister's blood platelets have been too low for her to receive chemo treatments. Then hours before leaving for the retreat, Rachel received information that this week not only are her platelets low, but her white blood cell count is below normal as well. So I walked into the retreat with a nagging fear. Is this the beginning of the end? Will it be downhill from here? I cam full of fear and anxiety, but I came seeking God. And the Lord did not leave me desperately seeking. The second half of Psalm 9:10 states, "for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You," and I was not forsaken.

     Right now, I cannot explain everything that I learned because I am still processing some of the information. I am still working out all the application and ways these lessons need to change my heart. At the retreat, no one walked on water. A pillar of cloud did not appear to guide us through our activities. But the Lord reminded me of so many aspects of His character that I have known, but I have forgotten to trust in. Verses that I have leaned on for years were brought back to my memory. I went in full of anxiety and fear, but the Lord has encouraged my soul. At times I wept uncontrollably, but through it I was renewed.

     In the final moments of the retreat during a prayer time, a woman from my church asked if she could pray for me. She prayed that God would give me strength to minister to my family and to my sister. I began to bawl. I felt like my strength was depleted, so God sent me a reminder that He is my source of strength. As I listened to her pray, it was as though she had read my journal and seen all the areas where I had grown faint.

     During her prayer, my Mother came over and began to pray for me as soon as the previous prayer ended. My Mother prayed that I would release the burden of how I responded to my sister's illness as a child (This began a whole new fountain of tears). For years, I have been ashamed of how I reacted when I was younger. I hated that I reacted in anger, bitterness, and depression. I hated that when I met people, I always wondered how much they had heard about me. Were they meeting me? Or did they think they were meeting the mouthy, rebellious child? For years, I have carried guilt. Oh the guilt! I felt guilty for how poorly I treated my sister when I was younger. I felt guilty for purposefully fighting with my family. I felt guilty for causing tension. I just felt guilty.

     But my Mother asked God to help me lay down that burden. And in that moment, through sobs, a ten year old burden was lifted off my shoulders. I felt relief.

     This weekend I felt so much love and support. I don't know what God is going to do next. Whatever it is, I know that it probably wont be easy. But I was reminded that the Lord will not leave me disappointed.

My Mature Thoughts (Since I am Now 25)

     This week I turned 25. So I guess this is about the time where I should freak out about my age because I am half way to 50. But, honestly, I love that my age is starting to catch up with my lifestyle. I am a serious homebody. I was married a couple months before I turned 20, so I have never done the party/bar/club scene. I started helping in youth ministry before I was 21... so people have been treating me like an "old married person" for years. I am just happy that I am finally getting to the age where I should stop having to answer the question "Why do you act so old?" (Now, if only teenagers would stop asking me which high school I go to).

     But on a more serious note, I have been very conscious of how blessed I am. I have an amazing and loving family. My siblings all typically get along and my parents are godly examples. Soon my brother and his wife will be welcoming a daughter into our family. Basically, my family is just awesome.

     The blessing that I have been the most conscious of lately is that of the church. I am so thankful that God gave us the church. The congregation that Jacob and I attend has been a huge blessing to use. The people there have really ministered to our family during my sister's illness. They have prayed for and with us. They have supported us when were were struggling with the questions of "why?" We have opportunities to minister and serve others. I have known some of the people at my church since I was a child. And there are newer people who have become near and dear to my heart. I have been blessed by the solid doctrinal teaching that I have received in sermons, Sunday school, and youth group. I have been pushed to grow because the people around me are not content being stagnant in their faith. I love my local church!

     But the church is so much bigger than the number of people who worship in the same building as me. I know countless people across the country who have prayed for my sister and my family. I am encouraged on a daily basis by Facebook friends who are ministering to people through the gifts that God has given them. I am heart broken and emboldened by believers in other countries who face persecution and sacrifice because they will not compromise the message of the Gospel.

     I am so thankful that the Lord did not call us to live out the Gospel by ourselves. I am thankful that God does not ask us to fly solo. I am thankful that I am a part of a worldwide mission to bring the Truth to people. I am thankful that I have people who are more mature in their faith who show me godliness, and I am pushed to grow because there are younger people that I do not want to give a poor example.

     Life was not meant to be lived in isolation. It is a group effort. We encourage each other, love each other, pray for each other, correct, minister, teach, and comfort each other.

     Let us be active. Let us open our eyes to the needs around us and do something! Let us remember that life isn't really about us.

Then the righteous will answer him, saying, "Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?" And the King will answer them, "Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me."

-Matthew 25:37-40

A Prayer for a Friend

     Lately, my heart has been heavy. Over the past several months, it has come to my knowledge that several young people that I care deeply about and poured my life into are no longer walking with the Lord. When I have spoken to them about their life choices, one word has continued to show up: feeling. I have heard

If I feel happy, then I think it is ok.

I just feel like the Bible doesn't apply here.

I think God just wants me to feel happy.

I feel like I don't know what is right and what is wrong. Who can say?

     It breaks my heart because they are not basing their actions and beliefs on logic or reason. They have abandoned their quest for the Truth and have settled for whatever feels good. In a search for love and value, they have forsaken The One who can truly offer those things.

     The Bible clearly states that "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9). If my heart is corrupt and deceitful, then my feelings are going to lie to me. It is only in the truth, which is constant, that we should base our decisions on.

     So I have appealed to these young people. I have reaffirmed that I love them. But I cannot make choices for them. So now I pray. I pray for protection. I pray for deliverance. I pray for them to be brought back to Christ.

Casting Crowns - A Prayer for a Friend 

Back to the Grind

     I have just returned home from a wonderful trip to Wisconsin with the majority of my family. Unfortunately, my husband and my younger brother could not make the trip with us due to their work schedules, but the rest of my family was able to view some beautiful scenery, see several tourist attractions, and eat wonderful food. Yet, even through the trip, my resolve to be thankful and grateful for God's blessings was put to the test.

     See, right now, life seems to be shrouded by a dark cloud of eminent doom. A haunting question that hangs over my family. Is this the last time? Is this the last trip I will go on with my sister? If it is, did I spend enough time with her? Why didn't I take more pictures with her? Did I show her that I love her?

     All these thoughts swirl through my head and coat my memories with a bitter-sweet feeling. Because of all this, I think I have been learning that joy is a choice. I have known this for a long time, and from and early age I was taught that "happiness is an emotion, but joy is a state of mind." However, as of late, I have really been required to put that knowledge into practice. Having joy really comes from putting life into perspective. It comes from, once again, refocusing on what is true.

1. This life is not the end. I know I have talked about this before, but it is truly one of my deepest comforts. At some point, I will lose my sister in this life. It may be a year or 30 years, but at some point we will die. But this life is not all there is. For those who have placed their faith in Jesus Christ, death is the beginning of eternal life - an eternal life spent with our Lord and Savior. Paul writes,

            So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we              are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord" (2 Cor. 5:6-8). 

For the believer, death is a homecoming. It is the end of pain and suffering and the beginning of true joy and peace.

2. The pain, sorrow, and fear I feel now are temporary. Life is short. It is a momentary breath compared to eternity. At times, life seems cruel and overwhelming. It feels like it is too painful, too hard, too difficult. Life seems to kick us while we are down. At times, it feels like everything in life is attempting to break our spirit. But those moments are short. Those moments are, just that, momentary. Paul again reminds us,

     So we do not loose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being                renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal                weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to things that are seen but to the things      that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal (2 Cor. 4:16-18).

Times of suffering are moments of brevity. They are not even worth comparing to the joy of eternal life with my Redeemer.

     It is to these truths that I, once again, cling. I think this is another thing that the Lord has really been teaching me - I have a deep need for The Truth. For as long as I can remember, I have know that Jesus said "you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:32). But I have always thought of this verse in reference to being tangled in your own web of lies. However, I am now learning that in every situation, the truth is liberating. I am learning to daily fix my eyes on the truth and cling to it in times of struggle and in times of blessing. It is only in the truth that joy can be found.

The Lord My Provider

     Over the past week or so, the Lord has been consistently reminding me that He is the Provider of all my needs. First, I was hired about two weeks ago as an online tutor. I had applied for the job over six months ago, and I had honestly forgotten about it until I received an email saying I had been removed from the waiting list. Since I haven't been working at all summer, this is obviously a major blessing. It feels as though a huge burden has been lifted. I can now work from home, take care of my daughter, and contribute to our family's finances.

     Second, I am going to be able to go on a short vacation with my family. I am specifically excited about this because I will be spending a few days making memories with my sister. This will also be Autumn's first vacation. I am a little concerned about how she is going to act on the trip since she is going to have to sit still for several hours in the car. But I am sure that with a little patience, everything will be fine.

     So I am working on contemplating God's goodness and trying to focus on being truly thankful. This week I am committing to thanking God for His blessings with my whole heart. I want to notice and acknowledge all of His blessings not just the big ones.

I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart;

I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.

I will be glad and exult in You;

I will sing praise to Your Name, O Most High

Psalm 9:1-2

Who I am Hates Who I've Been

     Lately, I have been struggling with some of my old demons. Old patterns, habits, and thoughts that I thought were conquered have been creeping into my head. I hear these whispered lies in my head that crush my heart and push me toward a spiral of untruths. I hear whispers of

"You're worthless."

"You're insignificant."

"You will always be viewed as the bad kid."

"You wont make a difference."

"You don't matter."

     I thought I had overcome these lies and that I wouldn't struggle with these feelings any longer, but I haven't. I still carry around my past and my sin nature. As I have grown older, I have learned that often times my feelings do not correspond with reality. I know the truth, but these feelings slowly creep up on me. If I do not dispel these lies immediately then they grow and rise to a shriek. They remind me of who I was and scream at me that I am insignificant.

     During my teenage years, I bought into these lies and I allowed myself to be held in emotional bondage. But, in that dark time the Lord taught me one of the most beautiful and precious lessons of my life: I am valuable because the Lord has declared me to be valuable. The value of something can be determined by how much someone is willing to pay for it. 1 Peter 1:18-19 proclaims "knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot." I am valuable because the God of the universe purchased me with His blood. What an awesome thought! Christ paid for my life to free me from sin and that makes me inherently valuable.

     Galatians 5:1 reminds me that "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." So I have been freed from these deceptive and errant thoughts. When I allow these thoughts to occupy my mind then I am essentially binding myself up. Ii may feel like a captive to my past, but in reality, I am free. The only one holding me in bondage is my own thoughts.

     So lately I have been trying to focus on who I am in Christ. When Christ looks at me, He sses a child that He has redeemed. I must remember God's promise when He said, "For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more" (Heb. 8:12). While people may remember my childhood attitude and my rebellious spirit, God has chosen to forget my sin. In the grand scheme of things, how God views me is all that matters. That is what I must remember and the truth to which I must cling.