The Decline

     Last week, my family called in hospice due to my sister's declining health. On Monday we were told that Rachel probably had about 3-4 weeks left. On Wednesday, it was reduced to about 2 weeks, and Friday it was again reduced to about a week. As morbid as it sounds, we are essentially waiting for her to die. Yet, despite the grim news we received, my family has been surrounded by peace. Although we have all been sucker punched with grief at times, the Lord has been faithful. I am thankful for the sacrifice of Jesus Christ to which my sister clings. I have full confidence that Rachel will be going to be with the Lord where she will be healed completely. I have to remember that Paul says that "to die is gain" (Philippians 1:21) because when she passes away, she will open her eyes to a place of perfection where she will never suffer again. She is going to glory to be with the God she has faithfully served. While I grieve because of the loss I will soon experience, I know it is temporary. One day, I will get to go Home and join her in perfectly praising our Creator. But for now, I must continue to run my race. I must be faithful with the time the Lord has given me on this earth. God is still good, and He will forever be my Sustainer and Comforter.

For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

"Death is swallowed up in victory."

"O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?"

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

1 Corinthians 15:53-58

The Afters - Broken Hallelujah

Thankful Thoughts

     It is almost impossible to go through Thanksgiving without reflecting. Thanksgiving almost forces me to think back over the year that is almost finished and the blessings in my life. The word that keeps echoing in my mind is time. This year, I have learned to appreciate time, and I have been blessed with the gift of time. I have been given time with Rachel in which I have grown closer to her. In this year, I have been privileged to see my sister's heart. I have seen her in triumph when she had moments of independence. I have seen her struggle when she was frustrated with her progress. I have seen her discouraged and depressed. I have seen her compassion for others in spite of her own trials. I have developed a deeper love and respect for the woman she has become. In this year, our sisterly love developed into genuine friendship. She inspires me to live life with an attitude of gratitude. I am beyond grateful for the precious moments I have with her. Rather than dwell on the unknown and questions about the future, I choose to thank the Lord for time.

     This reflection on time has spilled over into other areas of my life as well. I have learned to be thankful for my own life. I was not promised a specific amount of time on this earth; so, I have truly been trying to live more purposefully. I am thankful for the time I have with my daughter. The Lord has provided me with a job that allows me to stay home and see my daughter grow daily. I am thankful for the time I have in ministry. I am thankful for the relationships that have formed and the renewed purpose I have seen in my life because of time in ministry.

     Time is a precious gift that we often disregard and take for granted. We view it as a guarantee rather than a gift. I pray that we may come to realize its value and treasure it, rather than squander it.

Checking In

     For about the past month and a half, I feel like I have been sleep walking through my life. I wake up long enough to sponsor a youth event, attend church on Sundays and Wednesdays, or be okay around my extended family. In the name of "Faking-it-till-I-made-it," I have been playing happy and doing the "right" things to keep up appearances. But the reality of my heart has been that I did not want to be okay. So while I had completed all the rituals to maintain my outward appearance, at home I had checked out. I didn't want to work on loving my husband; instead, I nitpicked at everything he did. I didn't want to parent because it is hard and emotionally draining. I didn't want to consistently do devotions because I didn't want to be convicted about the condition of my heart. I didn't want to write because that would require me to think deeply about the Biblical things I had been reading.

     I just didn't want to be okay.

     If I was truly okay, then was I forgetting about the child that I had lost? If I was truly okay, then was I willing to surrender to whatever the Lord called me to do next? If I was truly okay, then was I ready to put aside the fear of losing another child and try again?

     I still fully believe everything that I wrote in my previous post and the Lord has greatly comforted my heart in ways that I can't explain, but a large part of me has not been ready to continue on with life. I knew what I should be doing to recover from my heartbreak, but I was not ready to be obedient.

     So this is me checking back in. I'm choosing to remember that my actions have an impact on others. I'm choosing to be obedient to the call to the call of Colossians 3:17 "And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." I am tired of living halfheartedly. I'm ready to wake back up.

One Day I Will Meet You, Precious Child of Mine

     For three days, I knew I was pregnant. With a positive pregnancy test to prove it, I rejoiced for the new life that was growing within me. For three days, I basked in the nausea that was a constant reminder of the blessing I would receive. Jacob and I prayed for our child, dreamed about our child, imagined what our child would look like, and grew ever more excited. On Thursday, I found out I was pregnant. On Sunday, I knew I no longer was.

     Naturally, we grieved and are continuing to grieve. But the Lord truly prepared my heart for this. I have never grieved like this before because in the midst of my pain and sorrow, as strange as this may sound, I am grateful. Every parent wants to protect their children, and every parent who sees their child in pain desires to carry the pain for their child.

     In a way, the Lord has allowed me to do this. I hurt and grieve and sorrow, but our child never will. For that, I rejoice.The Lord has protected my child in a way that I never could. My child will never be bullied, feel insecure or devalued, experience sorrow or heartache, feel rejected, be persecuted, or feel alone. My child will never experience my love in its current imperfect form. I will never snap at this child or accidentally hurt his or her feelings. When I meet this child, my love will have been perfected. I will never have to worry about this child's salvation because our child already knows the Lord more fully that Jacob or I do. Our child dwells in a place of eternal joy and glory. A place untainted by sin and filled with the presence of the good, creator God. So in my grief, I rejoice.

I will bless the Lord at all times;

His praise shall continually be in my mouth

Psalm 34:1

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted

and saves the crushed in spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous,

but the Lord delivers him out of them all

Psalm 34:18-19

Starfield - "Hiding Place"

The God Who Uses Pain

     I have read through the book of Acts multiple times in my life, and my church just finished doing a verse-by-verse study of Acts on Sunday mornings. But apparently, I do not pay enough attention. About two weeks ago, I was reading though Acts again in my quiet time, and I was struck by a verse from the story of Paul's conversion. I have read this verse I don't know how many times, but this time it finally struck home. This time, I actually started to think through the implications of this verse.

     In Acts 9, after Paul's encounter with Jesus on the road to Damascus, Christ appeared to Ananias and instructed him to go and restore Paul's sight to him. Christ explains to Ananias, "For for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name" (Acts 9:15-16).

     I accepted Christ when I was about seven years old. I went to my Dad and told him that I was ready to follow Christ. We had a discussion about sin and grace because he wanted to make sure that I understood what I was doing. I wonder what my response would have been if my Dad had looked at me and said, "Becky, I want you to know that God is going to ask you to suffer to bring glory to His name."

     This is essentially the experience that Paul had. Paul knew that when he placed his faith in Christ that the result was going to be suffering. Paul still had the choice to reject the truth that he had seen in the resurrected Christ, but he chose to acknowledge the truth even though it meant he would endure suffering. Yes, Paul still experienced joy and awesome blessings from God, but the man was familiar with suffering. Yet, we never really see Paul moping about his call to suffer. Paul probably had a better understanding of the universal call to suffering for all believers as promised by Christ in John 15:18-21, John 16:33, and ultimately demonstrated by Christ in His death. But Paul chose to accept the Truth regardless of what he would suffer or what it would cost him. And Paul did suffer. He gives an account of his sufferings when he says,

"Five times I received at the hands of the Jews forty lashes less one. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. And, apart from other things, there is the daily pressure on me of my anxiety for all the churches" (2 Corinthians 24-28).

As a result of these hardships Paul experienced, we now have some of the most powerful versed on suffering and endurance including:

Romans 5:3-5 "Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we  know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort."

2 Corinthians 4:7-10 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

2 Corinthians 12:10 "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Philippians 3:8-11 "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith - that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead."

     This same man also wrote Philippians 4:4 "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice." Paul who was no stranger to pain, heartache, and rejection; Paul who would ultimately die for the name of Christ, tells us to rejoice! How amazing! How convicting! That is a faith worth imitating.

Don't Give Up

     As I previously mentioned, I just got back from a women's retreat with my church. This week I have been going through my notes from the sessions and through my own journal entries so that I really process everything thing that I learned. In this process, I noticed that I have been struggling with the fear that God's plan is not worth the pain that I feel. I am afraid that all I will see out of my sister's cancer is the development of my own character. While I appreciate the lessons I have learned, I would not trade my sister for character. But that's why God didn't ask me. I am scared that in years to come, I will view this pain as pointless. I still don't understand some of the struggles that Jacob and I went through a few years ago. I don't see a benefit or deep change. All I remember is pain.

     But that is how I feel. What I know is that God is good and so is His plan. His priorities and ways are higher than mine (Isaiah 55:8-9). He uses the weak things of this world to shame the strong, and the foolish things to shame the wise. And He does this so that, in the end, I will boast in the Lord (1 Corinthians 1:26-31). Even if I do not see the affect of this in anyone other than me, then I will still praise Him. If my change is all I see, then I want to change tremendously. I don't want a tiny change; I want a transformation. This will only happen through complete surrender and devotion to God. I wont change as long as I am trying to hold onto control or tell God how to solve my problems. I need surrender. I need reliance on God. I need to pursue His character, and dig deep into His Word. At the end of this struggle, I want people to see Jesus when they look at me.

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 

Philippians 3:14

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Don't give up.

The God Who Was There

     Several months ago, it was announced that the women's ministry at my church was planning a two day retreat. Immediately, I decided that I wasn't going to go. At that time, I was exhausted, stressed, and worried. I did not want to add to that by going on a retreat where I knew that I would have to get out of my shell, meet new people from the church, and be transparent. I did not want to leave my daughter (even for that short period of time), so I just decided then and there to make up an excuse for why I couldn't go. I would make myself busy that weekend.

     But then, a few weeks later, more details about the retreat were announced. And that is when I heard that the theme of the retreat would be "Come & Enter His Rest." I instantly began to tear up. I was worn and weary. I had been praying for rest and here it was. After church, I told Jacob that I thought I needed to attend, and he agreed. From that moment on, the retreat could not come fast enough.

     It became the beacon of light that I stared at as I went through the month. I counted down the days because I knew that this would be a time of intimacy with my Lord. I knew that this would be a chance to refocus. I already respected the woman from my church who would be speaking, so I knew that I would be challenged and strengthened. I knew that it was going to be an experience that made me grow. I knew exactly what would happen.

     But I had forgotten that I was headed to meet with my God "who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us" (Ephesians 3:20). I forgot that God is bigger than me.

     For the past month, my sister's blood platelets have been too low for her to receive chemo treatments. Then hours before leaving for the retreat, Rachel received information that this week not only are her platelets low, but her white blood cell count is below normal as well. So I walked into the retreat with a nagging fear. Is this the beginning of the end? Will it be downhill from here? I cam full of fear and anxiety, but I came seeking God. And the Lord did not leave me desperately seeking. The second half of Psalm 9:10 states, "for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You," and I was not forsaken.

     Right now, I cannot explain everything that I learned because I am still processing some of the information. I am still working out all the application and ways these lessons need to change my heart. At the retreat, no one walked on water. A pillar of cloud did not appear to guide us through our activities. But the Lord reminded me of so many aspects of His character that I have known, but I have forgotten to trust in. Verses that I have leaned on for years were brought back to my memory. I went in full of anxiety and fear, but the Lord has encouraged my soul. At times I wept uncontrollably, but through it I was renewed.

     In the final moments of the retreat during a prayer time, a woman from my church asked if she could pray for me. She prayed that God would give me strength to minister to my family and to my sister. I began to bawl. I felt like my strength was depleted, so God sent me a reminder that He is my source of strength. As I listened to her pray, it was as though she had read my journal and seen all the areas where I had grown faint.

     During her prayer, my Mother came over and began to pray for me as soon as the previous prayer ended. My Mother prayed that I would release the burden of how I responded to my sister's illness as a child (This began a whole new fountain of tears). For years, I have been ashamed of how I reacted when I was younger. I hated that I reacted in anger, bitterness, and depression. I hated that when I met people, I always wondered how much they had heard about me. Were they meeting me? Or did they think they were meeting the mouthy, rebellious child? For years, I have carried guilt. Oh the guilt! I felt guilty for how poorly I treated my sister when I was younger. I felt guilty for purposefully fighting with my family. I felt guilty for causing tension. I just felt guilty.

     But my Mother asked God to help me lay down that burden. And in that moment, through sobs, a ten year old burden was lifted off my shoulders. I felt relief.

     This weekend I felt so much love and support. I don't know what God is going to do next. Whatever it is, I know that it probably wont be easy. But I was reminded that the Lord will not leave me disappointed.