Friday, November 29, 2013

Thankful Thoughts

     It is almost impossible to go through Thanksgiving without reflecting. Thanksgiving almost forces me to think back over the year that is almost finished and the blessings in my life. The word that keeps echoing in my mind is time. This year, I have learned to appreciate time, and I have been blessed with the gift of time. I have been given time with Rachel in which I have grown closer to her. In this year, I have been privileged to see my sister's heart. I have seen her in triumph when she had moments of independence. I have seen her struggle when she was frustrated with her progress. I have seen her discouraged and depressed. I have seen her compassion for others in spite of her own trials. I have developed a deeper love and respect for the woman she has become. In this year, our sisterly love developed into genuine friendship. She inspires me to live life with an attitude of gratitude. I am beyond grateful for the precious moments I have with her. Rather than dwell on the unknown and questions about the future, I choose to thank the Lord for time.

     This reflection on time has spilled over into other areas of my life as well. I have learned to be thankful for my own life. I was not promised a specific amount of time on this earth; so, I have truly been trying to live more purposefully. I am thankful for the time I have with my daughter. The Lord has provided me with a job that allows me to stay home and see my daughter grow daily. I am thankful for the time I have in ministry. I am thankful for the relationships that have formed and the renewed purpose I have seen in my life because of time in ministry.

     Time is a precious gift that we often disregard and take for granted. We view it as a guarantee rather than a gift. I pray that we may come to realize its value and treasure it, rather than squander it.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Checking In

     For about the past month and a half, I feel like I have been sleep walking through my life. I wake up long enough to sponsor a youth event, attend church on Sundays and Wednesdays, or be okay around my extended family. In the name of "Faking-it-till-I-made-it," I have been playing happy and doing the "right" things to keep up appearances. But the reality of my heart has been that I did not want to be okay. So while I had completed all the rituals to maintain my outward appearance, at home I had checked out. I didn't want to work on loving my husband; instead, I nitpicked at everything he did. I didn't want to parent because it is hard and emotionally draining. I didn't want to consistently do devotions because I didn't want to be convicted about the condition of my heart. I didn't want to write because that would require me to think deeply about the Biblical things I had been reading.

     I just didn't want to be okay.

     If I was truly okay, then was I forgetting about the child that I had lost? If I was truly okay, then was I willing to surrender to whatever the Lord called me to do next? If I was truly okay, then was I ready to put aside the fear of losing another child and try again?

     I still fully believe everything that I wrote in my previous post and the Lord has greatly comforted my heart in ways that I can't explain, but a large part of me has not been ready to continue on with life. I knew what I should be doing to recover from my heartbreak, but I was not ready to be obedient.

     So this is me checking back in. I'm choosing to remember that my actions have an impact on others. I'm choosing to be obedient to the call to the call of Colossians 3:17 "And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." I am tired of living halfheartedly. I'm ready to wake back up.