Don't Give Up

     As I previously mentioned, I just got back from a women's retreat with my church. This week I have been going through my notes from the sessions and through my own journal entries so that I really process everything thing that I learned. In this process, I noticed that I have been struggling with the fear that God's plan is not worth the pain that I feel. I am afraid that all I will see out of my sister's cancer is the development of my own character. While I appreciate the lessons I have learned, I would not trade my sister for character. But that's why God didn't ask me. I am scared that in years to come, I will view this pain as pointless. I still don't understand some of the struggles that Jacob and I went through a few years ago. I don't see a benefit or deep change. All I remember is pain.

     But that is how I feel. What I know is that God is good and so is His plan. His priorities and ways are higher than mine (Isaiah 55:8-9). He uses the weak things of this world to shame the strong, and the foolish things to shame the wise. And He does this so that, in the end, I will boast in the Lord (1 Corinthians 1:26-31). Even if I do not see the affect of this in anyone other than me, then I will still praise Him. If my change is all I see, then I want to change tremendously. I don't want a tiny change; I want a transformation. This will only happen through complete surrender and devotion to God. I wont change as long as I am trying to hold onto control or tell God how to solve my problems. I need surrender. I need reliance on God. I need to pursue His character, and dig deep into His Word. At the end of this struggle, I want people to see Jesus when they look at me.

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 

Philippians 3:14

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Don't give up.