For about the past month and a half, I feel like I have been sleep walking through my life. I wake up long enough to sponsor a youth event, attend church on Sundays and Wednesdays, or be okay around my extended family. In the name of "Faking-it-till-I-made-it," I have been playing happy and doing the "right" things to keep up appearances. But the reality of my heart has been that I did not want to be okay. So while I had completed all the rituals to maintain my outward appearance, at home I had checked out. I didn't want to work on loving my husband; instead, I nitpicked at everything he did. I didn't want to parent because it is hard and emotionally draining. I didn't want to consistently do devotions because I didn't want to be convicted about the condition of my heart. I didn't want to write because that would require me to think deeply about the Biblical things I had been reading.
I just didn't want to be okay.
If I was truly okay, then was I forgetting about the child that I had lost? If I was truly okay, then was I willing to surrender to whatever the Lord called me to do next? If I was truly okay, then was I ready to put aside the fear of losing another child and try again?
I still fully believe everything that I wrote in my previous post and the Lord has greatly comforted my heart in ways that I can't explain, but a large part of me has not been ready to continue on with life. I knew what I should be doing to recover from my heartbreak, but I was not ready to be obedient.
So this is me checking back in. I'm choosing to remember that my actions have an impact on others. I'm choosing to be obedient to the call to the call of Colossians 3:17 "And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." I am tired of living halfheartedly. I'm ready to wake back up.