There are days when exhaustion overwhelms me because I cannot remember the last time I slept through the whole night because I am plagued by nightmares. Days when no amount of Activia will calm my digestive system because I apparently carry stress in my stomach. Days when my emotions are balancing on a knife-point because of fatigue. Days when my emotions completely get the best of me and I lay my daughter down for a nap so I can "ugly cry" and weep before the Lord. Days I am overcome with pure anger and my heart desires to cry out with Naomi, "call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me" (Ruth 1:20). Days I don't want to read my Bible because I do not want to find comfort. Days I don't want to serve because I don't want to think about anyone other than myself.
I certainly have my days and to say I didn't would be a lie.
But it is in my response to these days that the hope of Christ is visible. It is on these days that I must recognize that "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" (Jer. 17:9) and I must immediately run to the cross. On these days I must preach the gospel to my own heart and dwell in the truth rather than what I feel. Do I always respond correctly? Of course not! But it is an area in which I am seeking to grow. I do not always get it right but my batting average has definitely increased over the past few months. Some days I drag myself through obedience and I wait for my "want to's" to catch up.
So I have started reminding my heart of what I know to be true.
1. God is a good and benevolent God who desires what is best for me.
2. God's definition of "what is best" is different than mine, but God's way is right.
3. This awesome and mighty God died on the cross to redeem me from sin.
4. The Lord owns my life because He created me and He purchased my life with His blood.
5. A God who was willing to die for me is not going to treat me with cruelty now.
6. I am not alone because my Lord has promised to "never leave me or forsake me" (Heb.13:5).
In these truths, I dwell and I find my rest. In these truths, my heart finds comfort. After preaching to my heart, I return to a verse that the Lord has used so many times in my life. "Why are you cast, down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God" (Ps. 42:5). I then agree with David in saying, "But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head" (Ps. 3:3). On the days when I feel like I cannot even lift my head, I remember that the Lord will lift my head up for me.
Never underestimate my Jesus
You're telling me that there's no hope
I'm telling you you're wrong
Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong
- Relient K "For the Moments I Feel Faint"