Withered

     If you could have peered into my heart over the past month, I'm sure you would have seen a shriveled, ugly mess. I had pulled away from the Lord, neglected my quiet time, and then became angry because the Lord was silent. Two months ago, the announcement of a restructure at my husband's job all but pushed me over the edge. My thoughts were "Really, God! Aren't we dealing with enough!" And I became angry. I was angry that life continued to be troubled and uncertain. I was angry that I didn't feel peace (granted, I wasn't exactly seeking the Lord's peace). I was angry that the Lord hadn't placed me in a little protective bubble until I had fully recovered from the loss of my sister.

     Then Jacob was presented with the possibility of another job that would offer our family more security. I was immediately convicted about my heart's condition, and knew that I was undeserving of this blessing. But I was not ready to give up my anger. I held up this job as a spiteful test, almost taunting God to prove His goodness, all the while feeling like God should withhold it to punish my heart.

     About two and a half weeks ago, while everything was up in the air, I glued a smile on my face, and drug myself to Bible study, where, of course, conviction slapped me between the eyes. During the lesson, the Bible study leader reminded the group that "very often God does not take time to speak to us unless we turn aside to hear Him." And silently sitting there, I let my anger go, and I recommitted to seeking the Lord. I began to find new joy in the Word that I had neglected. I began to look for small, daily ministries that I could do. I returned to doing the things that I knew I should do. And the Lord was faithful to His Word in Psalm 40:1-2:

I waited patiently for the Lord;

He inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction,

Out of the miry bog

And set my feet upon a rock

Making my steps secure.

The Lord has graciously delivered me from the anger I had been experiencing. His undeserved grace continues to extend to me regardless of my emotional state. He pulled me out off the depression I had helplessly sunk into like quick sand. And the job no longer mattered as much because I finally recognized that God is good regardless of the result.