Thursday, June 6, 2013

Pity Parties and Re-dedication

     Doctrine is so inconvenient. I am angry. I am angry about feeling like God has been silent even though I have been seeking Him. I am angry because I have tried to be faithful even when I don't feel like it. I am angry because I feel like God is picking on me. I am angry because I have yet to be angry about my sister's diagnosis. I am angry because I have been trying to be content and my resolve has been tested over and over and over.

     And even in the midst of my anger, I know that I am completely unjustified... which makes me angry. I know that I am throwing a HUGE pity party. While I am complaining about God being silent, I have "Be still, and know that I am God" (Ps. 46:10) running through my mind. I feel like God has not kept His promises, and "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Heb 13:5) enters my mind. I am angry because I can't seem to be content and I am immediately reminded that Jesus promised "In this world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). As I am feeling miserable about everything wrong in my life, "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice" (Phil.4:4) springs into my mind. Doctrine is really inconvenient because it takes the pity out of this party. Truly irritating.

     I want to quit. I want to mope. I want to give up. I want to be angry and rebellious. But doctrine prevents me. Knowing that your wrong really takes the fun out of being angry. As I have been hurling empty accusations at God, I am rolling my eyes at myself because even I know that everything I am accusing God of is completely and totally wrong. As I am complaining to Jacob about how unfair God is, I am reminded of His past faithfulness and, even through tears, I know that I am wrong... sigh... I hate being wrong. Seriously, I hate being wrong.

     But, honestly, I have been truly grateful that I have a solid doctrinal foundation because I have seen the result of believing a lie. And it was not pretty. When Rachel had her first battle with cancer, I was only about 7 years old, so I had no idea how to process the fact that my 4 year old sister had brain cancer. So, at first, I thought that God was punishing me for being mean to her. But, I soon decided that was ridiculous. But I was angry and I didn't know who to be angry with. I mean, I couldn't be mad at God because "in all things God works for the good of those who love Him” (Rom. 8:28). Well, I loved Him. Cancer wasn't good so it couldn't be God’s fault. So I decided it was Rachel’s fault that her sickness changed every member of my family (it was rational in my 7 year old mind). As a result, I treated my sister awfully, damaged my relationships with my parents, and lost years to anger and bitterness. It took years to rebuild those relationships and the trust I had trampled on.

     So even when I was crying because I knew that my feelings were wrong and I know that God is good; I am thankful that I have grown in my faith. I am thankful that God can handle my anger. I am thankful that I dug deep in my faith over the past several years. And in the tears of apology for my lack of faith and perseverance, I silently started singing “I Surrender All” in my head.

     I wanted to be angry. I wanted to quit. I didn't want to see anything positive. Instead, I found surrender and then finally peace.

     My sob fest ended with this song. It is a reminder of who God really is even when my feelings don’t align with the truth.
Starfield "Cry in my Heart"

1 comment:

  1. Good morning Becky. I've read all your posts this morning and appreciate your candor and transparency, and you sharing the truths you've found at such an early age ~ some of these truths took me much longer to identify and come to terms with. To hang in there, desire removal of the dross at personal discomfort, draw close to Him, and choose the narrow path is to reach for the prize of the high calling. Since you identify with music so deeply I want to share the lyrics to one of my all-time favorite songs that got me through many dark times. I wish I could find the correct version on youtube (sung slow and soulful by the Richard Smallwood singers) but couldn't. Becky, keep growing and striving for Christlikness ~ it's not easy, but by knowing the truth, where else can we go except to Him. Laura