And even in the midst of my anger, I know that I am completely unjustified... which makes me angry. I know that I am throwing a HUGE pity party. While I am complaining about God being silent, I have "Be still, and know that I am God" (Ps. 46:10) running through my mind. I feel like God has not kept His promises, and "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Heb 13:5) enters my mind. I am angry because I can't seem to be content and I am immediately reminded that Jesus promised "In this world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). As I am feeling miserable about everything wrong in my life, "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice" (Phil.4:4) springs into my mind. Doctrine is really inconvenient because it takes the pity out of this party. Truly irritating.
I want to quit. I want to mope. I want to give up. I want to be angry and rebellious. But doctrine prevents me. Knowing that your wrong really takes the fun out of being angry. As I have been hurling empty accusations at God, I am rolling my eyes at myself because even I know that everything I am accusing God of is completely and totally wrong. As I am complaining to Jacob about how unfair God is, I am reminded of His past faithfulness and, even through tears, I know that I am wrong... sigh... I hate being wrong. Seriously, I hate being wrong.
But, honestly, I have been truly grateful that I have a solid doctrinal foundation because I have seen the result of believing a lie. And it was not pretty. When Rachel had her first battle with cancer, I was only about 7 years old, so I had no idea how to process the fact that my 4 year old sister had brain cancer. So, at first, I thought that God was punishing me for being mean to her. But, I soon decided that was ridiculous. But I was angry and I didn't know who to be angry with. I mean, I couldn't be mad at God because "in all things God works for the good of those who love Him” (Rom. 8:28). Well, I loved Him. Cancer wasn't good so it couldn't be God’s fault. So I decided it was Rachel’s fault that her sickness changed every member of my family (it was rational in my 7 year old mind). As a result, I treated my sister awfully, damaged my relationships with my parents, and lost years to anger and bitterness. It took years to rebuild those relationships and the trust I had trampled on.
So even when I was crying because I knew that my feelings were wrong and I know that God is good; I am thankful that I have grown in my faith. I am thankful that God can handle my anger. I am thankful that I dug deep in my faith over the past several years. And in the tears of apology for my lack of faith and perseverance, I silently started singing “I Surrender All” in my head.
I wanted to be angry. I wanted to quit. I didn't want to see anything positive. Instead, I found surrender and then finally peace.
My sob fest ended with this song. It is a reminder of who God really is even when my feelings don’t align with the truth.
Starfield "Cry in my Heart"